Dark Angels

As a standup comedian, I attracted many haters as much as I did fans with my political and religious commentary. Those were topics in which I often pointed out the hypocrisies of the people in charge, who consistently masked their cruel actions with a veil of benevolence. This was something certain zealots could tolerate; they often targeted my shows and vandalised surrounding property. I’d often see messages saying I’d soon go to hell, and that I’d suffer at the hands of the devil. I found it amusing.

A man who seemed relatively tame with his threats one day attended one of my shows and asked me if I truly didn’t believe in god. I said no and came up with a joke that made the entire room roar with laughter. He said I would burn in hell, and I said I’d choose hell over heaven any day with all the atrocities god would be responsible for if they existed. The man looked displeased. He got up and left without another word. I didn’t think much of the incident, but maybe I should have. Once my show ended hours later, and I had just walked out of the venue, that same man walked up to me and shot me three times before muttering something and running away.

I couldn’t hear what he said. Everything around me rang in a single deafening note as the world quickly decayed into a grey haze. It was not long before I slipped into nothingness and drifted off into the unknown. When I woke up, before me was a figure cloaked in a dark shroud, sitting on a black throne. Everything around me was smoky, as if I were lost in an endless fog.

“You amused me as well with your jokes out there,” the figure said.

“Who are you? Where am I?”

“I am Satan, and this is my dominion.”

Heaven and hell were real? I was living my best joke in death. I didn’t believe the figure at first, but before I could voice my doubts, they snapped their fingers and let me see the last moments of my life. The memories raced through my head in seconds: the man shot me thrice and said he hoped I’d enjoyed my time in hell before fleeing. Everything faded to black afterwards. I was truly dead.

“I must say, the way you picked hell over heaven ticked god off, too.” A chuckle followed Satan’s words.

“Well, to be honest, I never believed in either of you. But even if I did, I would not want to be around a creator who’d stand idly and watch as the cruel overrun the innocent. Why side with a being like that?” I said.

“I love your spirit. You have the potential to be one of my dark angels.”

I was intrigued. “What would I do?”

“Do exactly what you said god has failed to do.”

“Why don’t you join the fight, then?”

“I am shackled to this realm. It’s punishment for drawing the attention of many angels to intervene in human affairs to fight for the innocent. God was not pleased with me, so he banished me from both his council and his domain.”

“I assume there are other souls like me fighting to protect humankind?”

“Yes, that’s correct.”

It sounded like the deal of a lifetime. I agreed without hesitation and leapt into the frey, fighting alongside fallen angels and damned souls alike to rid the world of those threatening humankind.