The Wedding Crasher

“Sorry to crash the party, honey, but I didn't get my invitation,” I said, walking in. “Hayley, what are you doing here?” Brian asked astounded. “Why, Brian; was I supposed to not be here on the most important day of your life? After all, just six months ago, it was supposed to be the most important day of our life,” I replied. “I’m sorry, Hayley, but—” he couldn't finish the sentence as Leela, his bride, said, “Gun! She has a gun!”

Brian looked at my hand in fear. “Hayley, what are you doing with that gun; where did you get it from?” he asked. I could see him begin to shudder. “Oh, this thing? I just bought it today. Do you like it?” I asked, pointing it at him. “No, Hayley, don't shoot! I’m sorry for everything; I didn't mean to hurt you,” he said. Leela closed her eyes with her hands, sobbing intensely.

“Really, you didn't mean to hurt me? After being together for five years and not to mention being engaged for two of it, you dumped me saying it's not me but you. And now, six months later, I find out that you're getting married to her; the woman you had a one-night-stand with before you met me?” I said; “Why, Brian; what did I do wrong? Is it my job; is it because I make more money than you? It's not my fault that you make less; I worked hard to get where I am. And even if you earned more than me, I wouldn't feel threatened, so why should you? Why do I being a woman who earns more than you become a threat? Did I treat you differently because of it; did I ever throw it in your face? Why couldn't you support me the way I supported you?”

“I know what this looks like, but I really didn't mean to hurt you—believe me. I’m sorry, but I am just an old-fashioned guy who likes to think that a man should earn more than his woman. I know it's not my best trait, but it's who I am,” he said, trembling in fear. He was pale as a sheet, and so was Leela.

I looked around at all the guests at his wedding. “What do you think of what he has to say; do you agree with him?” I asked. None spoke. “Come on, folks, say something. I’m not going to hurt you...much,” I said, laughing. “She's nuts,” I heard someone whisper. “Really, I’m nuts, you say? Who said that? Come on, don't be afraid. I don't bite. Maybe you could help me with my defence plea of insanity,” I said.

No one said a word; they just stood there with fear in their eyes. “I’ve really got these people rattled, haven't I?” I asked Brian, who looked as if he was going to have a heart attack. He stood there, silent, grabbing on to the hand of his bride. “Why so glum, Brian? I’m just having some fun at your expense, just as you did at mine,” I said. “Please, Hayley, I beg of you; please don't do this!” he pleaded. “Don't do what? I’m not hurting anybody; I’m just talking. Come on, folks, did I hurt any of you? After all, one of you just called me nuts; did I hurt anyone for that?” I asked. Yet again, there was only silence.

“Come on, folks, breathe. I don't want you dying on me,” I said while looking at the frightened bride who looked as if she was about to faint. “Start the service, father; don't waste your time on my account,” I said. The priest then looked at me. “Put that gun away before you hurt someone, child,” he said. “Oh, don't worry, father. Just do your job and marry this couple; I want to witness their joyous occasion,” I said.

The priest looked at Brian and Leela. “Are you ready to get married?” he asked. They didn't reply; instead, just stayed still, looking petrified. “Don't be shy, Brian. After all, your honeymoon awaits you,” I said. Still nothing—not a word. He didn't even blink as he stood there, staring at me. “Okay, fine then; let's do this,” I said, pointing the gun at him. “No, Hayley, don't! I’m sorry, please don't kill me! I’ll leave her and marry you, if that's what you want!” he said. “Yes, you can have him; I don't want to marry him anymore,” Leela said. “Seriously, do you think I’m that stupid? Why on earth would I want to marry you after what you did to me? I’m not pathetic like that? And Leela, what happened to all that love you had for him? Did staring down the barrel of a gun make you fall out of love that quickly?” I asked. “What do you want from me?” Brian asked. “Nothing, absolutely nothing,” I said as I put a cigarette between my lips.

Right then, I heard the sound of a police siren. “Who called the cops?” I asked, waving the gun around. The people laid down on the floor in fear. “What are you doing, folks? I said I’m not going to hurt you?” I said. “Put the gun down!” voices came from behind. I turned around and saw cops storming in. “There’s no trouble here, officer. I’m just having some fun,” I said. “Put the gun down or we will shoot!” an officer said. “Oh, you guys are no fun at all,” I said, dropping the gun down.

“Put your hands on your head and get down on your knees!” the officer shouted. “Okay, okay;  no need to burst a blood vessel,” I said as I went down to my knees. “You are under arrest!” the officer said as he went on to read me my rights. “Oh, I know all that, Captain Monty; I’m the Assistant DA, after all,” I said. “What?” the officer said, looking at me. “My heavens, you’re Hayley Simpson!” he said, holding his head. “So now you recognise me?” I asked, smiling. “What do you think you are doing pulling a gun out in a room full of people at a wedding?” he asked. “Oh, just having some fun, captain,” I said. “Fun, really?” he asked. “Yes, it's my family custom to scare the crap out of the bride and groom on their wedding day,” I replied. “Just tell me what's going on here so I can help you save face,” he said. “Why would you do that?” I asked. “Because I know you're a good person and I am sure you will be the next DA; I don't want your future to be ruined because of a moment of bad judgement,” he said. “Oh, you're so sweet,” I said.

“Sir, this isn't a real gun,” an officer said, handing it over to the captain. “What?” he said. “I told you: I was just having fun. Now, can I have my gun back?” I asked. “It’s evidence,”  he replied. “Come on, just give it back,” I said. “Sure, but no more stunts like this,” he said, “I promise,” I said. “Here,” he said, giving it to me. “Wait, did you just give her back the gun?” Brian asked, outraged. “Oh, calm down, Brian,” I said, putting a cigarette between my lips and lighting it with the lighter. “Wait, that was a freaking lighter? You threatened us with a lighter?” he asked furiously. “Yes, I did. Sue me,” I said, walking out while being escorted by the cops.

---End---